I feel a bit like the Grinch today; my heart feels three sizes too small. I am angry at the universe for so many things. Upset every time I hear about another person who is having an “oops” baby at my age.
I didn’t choose to wait this long. That’s the thing that just kills me. I didn’t meet my husband until four years ago, and then I had a blood clot that forced us to put off trying for a year while I was on a highly dangerous medication. I know I’m “old” for trying to conceive.
And I felt absolutely awful when my husband lost it yesterday when we got the negative results because this is all on me. He’s fine. I’m the one who can’t do this. Me. My body. It’s the most awful feeling in the world. I feel… empty. And mean.
I am such a green-eyed, jealous monster that I almost can’t talk to my friends who recently had babies or who are currently pregnant. I want so badly to be happy for them, but the jealousy that flares up is almost painful, and then I feel awful for being so selfish. It’s a vicious circle of not-so-happy feelings.
How do people cope with this?
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